Nurses

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First off, let me just say, I don't care about the women on "The View". They do not inform my opinions or feelings about the world whatsoever.  That being said, since my sister-in-law Marie (a nurse!) posted the picture above as a response to those silly women on "The View" I've been thinking a lot about nurses and what they've meant to and done for me in my life.

My dad was a nurse.  I think a lot of people would say that growing up with a parent who is a nurse typically meant you weren't getting a lot of sympathy from said parent.  There is no faking sick when your parent is a nurse.  You aren't staying home from school with a cough if your parent is a nurse.  You might have to wait two days to get your broken arm looked at if your parent is a nurse.  (Actually, that last one might be specific to MY dad...)  While this may seem like a disadvantage in some ways, it's actually a strong advantage that I only realized once I moved out of the house and had to take care of myself.  Dad was always just a phone call away with reassuring medical advice (better than Dr. Google!!) and I think in a lot of ways as I've had to navigate my own health problems over the past few years, having a parent who is a nurse has given me the confidence to advocate for myself in the medical world.

In 2008 I had an appendectomy at Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara, CA.  My first big medical crisis away from home and my dad was scrubbed in on a surgery back in Iowa so I couldn't even call him.  When the charge nurse in the OR learned that my dad was a scrub nurse he took it upon himself to call my dad and leave him a message telling him what was happening and that I was in good hands. I remember thinking at the time that that was something my dad would do, and I instantly felt safe. Good nurses know how to reassure their patients.

I have labored and delivered twice now at Carle Hospital,, our local hospital here in Champaign IL. The first time was in August of 2013.  I spent five days on bed rest at Carle and then a week later I went in and had to be induced to deliver our 16 week old fetus who had died due to a premature rupture of the membranes (water broke). I was expertly cared for by many different nurses throughout  my stay but Jenna was the nurse who was with me when I finally "delivered" and I remember clearly seeing her cry over our loss. My experience has been that nurses are often very compassionate people who truly care about their patients.

Two years later I was admitted to Carle on June 19th, 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl.  I spent 9 days in the hospital this time (it was complicated) and probably was cared for by almost every nurse on the floor (although I was lucky to get some repeats of my favorites!!) When they moved me into my room on labor and delivery I heard someone call my name- it was Jenna!  Two years later and she remembered us.  She came up and gave me a huge hug and told us how happy she was to see us and for our miracle baby.  She even got a gift for Nora.

Over my 9 day stay this past June/July I was cared for by many wonderful nurses.  Many of the ones I saw before Nora was born came in to meet her after she had arrived.  When I was readmitted for post-partum preeclampsia, many of them had me as their patient again or came and visited me and encouraged me.  One of the nurses, Becky, had me in tears I was laughing so hard, more than once.  Who laughs that hard when they're in the hospital?! Probably all of Becky's patients.  

Nurses do everything.  I repeat, nurses do EVERYTHING. And we NEED them- I'd hate to see what a hospital looked like without them. It's an often thankless job that pays pretty crappy.  Nurses are honorable, special people and my life has been better because of them. 

37 Weeks

"I never believed I was going to have a baby until I heard her cry."

-What Alice Forgot  by Lianne Moriarty

I couldn't have said it better myself. 37 weeks in to a healthy pregnancy and it's still unbelievable. Even now as she kicks me while I type, I am still struggling to believe that I'm going to meet my daughter in less than three weeks.  My daughter. Mine.

Well, Justin's too.  :)

Pregnancy is so crazy in so many ways. And everyone's pregnancy is so different. The way we carry our babies, the side effects we feel, the levels of discomfort, the variety of complications and interventions.  Mentally the first half was a challenge for me because of my history of loss.  Well, if I'm being honest, the whole thing has been a challenge mentally because of my history of loss.  I think most women I know who've experienced miscarriage and infertility have to fight this mental battle- and probably most women who haven't experienced these things, can still struggle with this.  I can't say how many times I've thought to myself "ENJOY this! This was hard to come by and you may never get to experience this again. ENJOY it!!!"  And for the most part, I think I have enjoyed it as much as any pregnant lady could.

Now, just over 2 weeks from our induction date, I find myself worrying:

Did I enjoy it enough? 

Did I complain too much?

Am I grateful enough?

And I AM grateful.  I really am. There were times over the last 5 years that I wondered if I would ever get to be a mom.  And now, after 5 years of waiting, and trying, and struggling and losing, I am on the brink of motherhood and it is surreal.

And scary and exciting.

And really, very hard to believe.

Friends!

So I got a little sappy on Pinterest today when I saw a quote about friendship and started my own "Friends" board.  

Moving to a new place always makes me reflect on friendship.  Probably because when you move to a new place you find yourself short on friends.  Since we've moved back to the midwest after six years in Santa Barbara I've managed to maintain weekly conversations with my three best friends (did you know you can have three-way phone conversations on the IPhone?!)  and it has made me really think about what it takes to be a friend and what I'm willing to put towards those friendships that I think could last a lifetime.

I'm really lucky because I have an awesome actual-family.  Not everyone does.  And to top it off, I have these close friends that I also consider "family" at this point.  When you move across the country and your closest family members are thousands of miles away, you kind of have to create your own local family.  After six years functioning as family members, I feel pretty confident that these ladies will continue to be my family for years to come, if not forever.  We've vacationed together, celebrated holidays together, laughed, cried, mourned and carried each other.  We are family.

I laughed when I read this one because it makes me think of Katherine.  You know that situation where people say something and you're like "What the?" but for whatever reason you shouldn't react that way and so you try to keep a straight face?  In those situations I have to keep my eyes away from looking at Katherine because I know I'll lose it if I see her face.  It makes me giggle just thinking about it.

When I was in the hospital in August I spent two nights there trying to deliver the baby.  I don't think I'll ever forget my conversation with JoAnn that first night.  I was high on morphine and she was tipsy on margaritas- she'd been at her "going away" party back in Santa Barbara earlier in the evening.  The minute she answered the phone she started crying.  Here she was, two thousand miles away, celebrating her husband's new job and their exciting future, but still feeling my pain.  

I don't think I started feeling better after losing the baby until my friends came to visit me.  All three of them made trips to Illinois in October- Marissa and Katherine all the way from Santa Barbara (Marissa with a 1 year old in tow) and JoAnn from Mississippi.  They sacrificed their time and money to travel all the way to central Illinois to see their sad friend.  It was only after their visits that I felt the weight of depression start to lift and could start to climb out of the sadness.

 I know, we aren't really sisters, but we're the closest thing to it for me and this is part of my friendship code.  I've got your back ladies.

20 Things Nobody Tells You About Moving Out Of The Midwest and into Southern California

I came upon this blog post yesterday called "20 Things Nobody Tells You About Moving Out of Southern California" when a friend of ours posted it on facebook.  He is a Southern California native and recently took a job in the midwest so he's experiencing his first winter there.  I read the article and could relate to some of it (like missing the great produce year round and how nobody puts "the" before highway names outside of CA).  Some of it was a little SoCal elitist for my taste (although to be clear, I do NOT think the friend who posted it is in ANY way elitist- he's one of the nicest people we met in California).

But then I got to thinking about how I am often charged with being a midwest elitist. And it's true.  And I'm cool with that.

So here's my (completely unofficial) version of the 20 Things Nobody Tells You- but mine is about moving out of the Midwest and into Southern California. (And keep in mind that I only lived in Santa Barbara, which isn't necessarily representative of all of Southern California).

20.) Not everyone knows about the Big 10.
Actually, a lot of people don't.  And I don't know what else to say about that.  I know, my mind was also blown.

19.) There aren't snow days, but there are fire days.
Which are way worse and much scarier.  Sorry, you can't come to work because there's a strong chance your work could catch on fire and the air is so smoky you wouldn't be able to breathe anyway.  Scary.  I'll take snow days, thanks.

18.) You'll miss real weather.
Yeah yeah, I know, Californian's think they have seasons.  But really, they don't, not compared to the midwest.  And quite honestly, the sunshine can get a bit oppressive.

17.) Breakfast burritos are amazing.  
We just moved back to the midwest and cannot find a good breakfast burrito to save our lives.  We tried one the first week we were here and it contained hot dogs and lettuce.

16.) You will find yourself explaining your home town location (even if it's a Big 10 University town)  in relation to Chicago. 
Because a surprisingly small amount of people can find Iowa on the map.

15.) The ocean is too cold to swim in.
I had visions of ocean swimming but it's REAL cold- too cold for me.

14.) The beaches are covered and tar, and you will be too.
And that stuff is nearly impossible to get off your feet.  (Hint: olive oil helps)

13.) There are no mosquitos (yay) but there are also no lightning bugs (sad).

12.) No matter how clean your house is and how tightly you close your lids, the ants will find their way in, and they will bring an army.
My friend JoAnn (cleanest person I know) had to call into work one day to handle the ant infestation in her kitchen.  The ants are no joke.

11.) Skunks love Southern California
It's a rare evening when you don't get a whiff of skunk.  They love it there.

10.) The dogs in Southern California are the happiest dogs on earth.
For obvious reasons- it's nice weather year round so they get to be outside a lot.  But it's also just a really dog-friendly culture.  Seriously, the dogs literally smile.

9.) It is physically impossible to dress for the "weather".
In the morning you need a sweater but by noon you're wishing you'd worn a tank top.  Layering will become your best friend.

8.) You will forget about Classic Rock.
We actually didn't realize this until we moved BACK to the midwest- In the midwest Classic Rock is the go-to genre for music that you hear in public places (restaurants, malls etc.) .  I think we went 6 years without hearing "More Than a Feeling" and "Layla".  Don't worry- we remembered the words.

7.) Everyone thinks you grew up on a farm.
Ok, that's not really fair.  Not EVERYONE.  But that was a first question for many people when they found out we were from Iowa.

6.) You will become accustomed to shopping at multiple grocery stores on a weekly basis.
Trader Joe's is so awesome, but they don't have everything I need, so I have to stop at Albertsons.  And I'll probably stop by Costco on the way home.

5.) You will feel pressured to spend time outdoors and you'll feel guilty if you don't.
It's such a beautiful day! How can you waste it watching a Real World marathon??

4.) Avocado is amazing on just about everything.
And much cheaper in Southern California- especially when you make friends with someone who has a tree in their back yard!!

3.) Corn isn't always sweet, and sometimes it's not even yellow.
If you grew up in Iowa like I did, you're used to delicious sweet corn in the summer.  The first time someone offered me corn on the cob in California I balked and shrieked "Why is it white??!!"  So while they be able to get avocados year round, they can't touch our sweet corn.

2.) Soccer is king.
Everybody plays it and everybody follows it.  It's like their version of football.  Oh, wait....

1.) You will miss the midwest.
So much that you might strike up conversation with total strangers wearing Iowa shirts, just for a little talk of home.

The End

Went for our sonogram today and the baby no longer has a heartbeat.  Game over.

I came out of the appointment and as I headed to labor and delivery, after calling my mom, I texted JoAnn, Katherine and Marissa this message:

"Sorry guys, this is a horrible thing to text but I can't talk right now and I wanted you to know- no heartbeat.  I'm on my way to labor and delivery to get induced and deliver a dead baby.  I'll call when I can."

In that moment I was sad but also pretty scared and not looking forward to having to go through the labor process.  I think it's possibly the meanest part of this- I'm on the labor and delivery floor with all these other moms that are delivering healthy babies and I have to deliver a 16 week old fetus.  It feels mean and I really don't want to.

I was comforted by JoAnn's immediate response:

"I'm so sorry.  I love you and you can do this. I'm praying"

She knew right away that I needed to hear that encouragement.  She knows I'm scared and for some reason, that was comforting.

Keep praying friends- we need it.  Marissa summed it up in her response:

"My heart is broken."

Mine too.

Day 7: This is not an exciting post, but 3 people texted me worried because I hadn't blogged, so here you go.

I don't think I've mentioned this yet but I have a room with a view.  A view of I-74 that is.  Today I made Justin open the curtains as wide as they would go and then open the window so I could get some "fresh" air, at which point we discovered that the window will only open about 4 inches.  4 is better than zero!  So I've found myself staring at cars as they fly by on the interstate periodically throughout the day.

At one point, there was a little silver sports car pulled over on the side of the road and I watched for a long while waiting to see what was wrong.  What happened? Why did they pull over? Will someone get out?  Will someone stop to help?  

Eventually Justin noticed me staring out the window and asked what was up.  I turned to tell him and when I turned back the car was gone.  Dang him!  I missed it! Where did the car go??!!!

Ah bed rest.

We had Thai food for dinner and I ordered online.  I love Panang curry- thanks to my friend Katherine- and I always order it when I go out for Thai food.  When I ordered online they wanted me to rate my "spicy level" and the options were: "Beginner", "Intermediate" and "Advanced".  I've never had to specify before, but hell if I was going to mark myself a beginner, ya know?!

Turns out I am a beginner.  Pride goes before the fall.

Blessings:

My inlaws were here! They kept me company while Justin went out to run some errands and have some meetings.  My mother-in-law and I may have watched five episodes of "Brothers and Sisters" on Netflix. Hey, we're bed resting!

My mom- she's back in Iowa but she's texting me throughout the day as she shops for pillows for our new couch and other various things we need.  I love my mom.

Calls and texts from friends.

My book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" which is really funny.

Internet karaoke- I may have been singing Les Miserables and Wicked in my bed this evening. It makes me happy.

Next doctors appointment is with the specialist on Friday at 2:30.  Praying for more fluid and for healing.  We're hanging in there.

Day 6- Fear

Fear is ugly.

It's not even the fear of losing the baby that is haunting me the most.  This is my third pregnancy.  I've already lost two.  I know what that feels like.

Right now the fear is just below the surface.  I feel like it's on the other side of the door pushing to get in and I'm pushing back.  With distractions, with admonitions, with prayer.

But I know what's on the other side of the door.

I'm afraid of going into labor- I'm afraid of what that will feel like and that I won't be able to control the pain and the sadness that will accompany it.

I'm afraid of getting an infection and having to terminate.  I'm afraid that an infection could leave me sterile.

I'm afraid that I might not ever be a mom.

When I got pregnant the second time I remember praying with a couple of women at church.  I told them I was pregnant and that I was afraid because I had been pregnant before and had lost that baby.  I remember them praying for me and one of them praying that I would "rebuke the fear".

So I'm trying- I'm rebuking the fear.


Blessings:
Justin's department-head brought us Chipotle for lunch!
My friend Anne visited last night- it was great to see her and nice to think about something else!
My inlaws got here this afternoon.  They brought us our car and lots of delicious food (including Anita's famous chicken and noodles- the ultimate comfort food)!  They also brought the comfort of their presence.

My mother-in-law, who is no stranger to fear and hard stuff, encouraged me with the verse below:

"Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

Bed Rest Day 5- You're Doing This.

Woke up in the hospital this morning and got a sonogram before I got breakfast.  There's still fluid around the baby but not necessarily any more than there was before.  Poor little thing looks pretty scrunched in there without fluid to fill up the sack :(  On the plus side, heart beat is still strong.  It's a fighter!

Talked to a different specialist who laid things out for us and it made for a rough morning.  Basically the odds are against this baby.  Chances are I will either get an infection and have to terminate or my body will go into labor (could happen anytime) and we'll lose baby.  Then we went down the rabbit hole and started talking about the what-if's of IF I can carry to viability.  The statistics for preemies are pretty scary.  I won't go into details because I'm trying to put it out of my mind and focus on the day-to-day.  It was a rough morning.

We got discharged and checked into the hotel which was a giant relief- our hospital room was small and cramped and our hotel room is awesome.  I am so lucky to have such an amazing brother and sister-in-law who so generously gave up their points to put us up for the week.  Thank you so much Aaron and Megan!

I was feeling pretty low and decided to take a shower to relax a bit.  I sat in the shower (I have to sit, it's part of the bed rest conditions) thinking about the morning and suddenly I was admonishing myself:

"You're doing this.  You. Are. Doing. This.  You're doing this. Suck it up, soldier up.  You. Are. Doing. This."

Blessings today:
My husband- he is the best partner I can imagine.
This awesome hotel and my awesome brother and sister in-law.  The hotel has been extremely helpful and accommodating.
My mom- apart from the obvious fact that she's the best, she went to the grocery store after we got to the hotel and stocked up the fridge.
My in-laws supporting and encouraging us and planning to come up tomorrow with our car.
My friend Anne from Michigan is going to pay us a visit tonight- I haven't seen her in 6 years and it will be great to see a friend.
My friend Bob Dane hooked us up with some contacts in the area that have already reached out to us today.
My friend Karen who I've known since birth but haven't seen in years messaged me on facebook and offered to donate HER Marriott rewards points if we needed them after this week.  I am humbled by the generosity of friends.
All of our friends on facebook and otherwise that have expressed good wishes and prayers of support- we are uplifted by these prayers- I think we're surviving on prayer right now and we are running out of steam ourselves so it's comforting knowing others are praying too.
Watching Ellen :) She cracks me up.  I needed to laugh.

Praying for healing and peace today.  Simple as that.  Because I Am Doing This.

Bed Rest Diaries

Today is Day 4 of bed rest and I've been thinking about blogging since Day 1 when I woke up at 4:00 AM with Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" in my head- specifically the line "Is this the real life?".  I woke up Justin (who was sleeping on the hardwood floor in my hospital room) to ask him who sings it.  For some reason I was thinking Aerosmith which I knew was wrong but the guess made Justin laugh.  He of course knew it was Queen.  I explained that my familiarity with the song is 100% because of the 1992 hit movie Wayne's World which I've probably seen over a thousand times.

Justin then asked if I'd ever seen the video of the drunk guy singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the back of a police car.  I hadn't.  So of course, I had to see it right then, at 4:00 AM in my hospital room.  I was not disappointed.

"Are you gonna cuff me?  Phhh.  Physical violence is the least of my priorities."

It was the laugh I needed at 4:00 in the morning.

Justin and I had had a successful cross country trip- it actually went really smoothly.  We spent some good time in Iowa with our families and they are all really happy to have us back in the area.

We got to Champaign/Urbana on Tuesday July 23rd to look for a place. We did finally find a house that had been for sale but the buyer's financing fell through and the seller decided to rent- our good fortune!  

Anyway, Tuesday night I started leaking fluid pretty substantially.  Long story short it turns out I ruptured a membrane and essentially my water broke so there's not enough amniotic fluid around the baby. At first the prognosis was pretty dire- we were told that we would likely have to terminate the pregnancy.  I've been in the hospital on bed rest since Thursday.   Thursday night the specialist visited us and when he left Justin and I both said we felt like we'd had a visit from an angel.  He told us about his experience with this type of case- particularly when this happened to his own sister- and he basically gave us a reason to hope.  Friday they did another ultrasound and the good news is there is SOME fluid around the baby- enough for the critical lung development that needs to happen in the next month- but not enough to carry to term (at this point).  Other good news is that baby looks good- strong heartbeat, good measurements, got all its organs etc.  that means baby CAN produce more amniotic fluid- the trick is that I have to NOT leak it AND the biggest worry is that because baby is exposed by the leak it is vulnerable to infection which would mean game over.  

At this point we are praying that the rupture would heal itself- it's not overly common but it is possible and would give baby the best shot.  Even if it doesn't heal, it is possible that with bed rest I could keep enough fluid in for baby to survive.  Barring any infection or more fluid loss I am looking at some significant bed rest- like up to 5 months.

I'm in the hospital until Monday (tomorrow) at least when they plan to do another ultrasound and see where we're at.  If I don't have less fluid they will probably discharge me to go "home" and be on bed rest, but I'll have appointments twice a week to keep a close eye on baby and make sure that no infection happens.  If I can carry the baby to viability (24 weeks) they would likely re-admit me to the hospital where I would likely stay until I deliver, which would likely be no later than 34 weeks.

Welcome to Illinois!

So, needless to say, there are lots of unknowns in our world right now.  

But there are blessings too!

We are so blessed to be so close to home- my mom has been here since it happened and has been able to be here with me when Justin isn't.  My in-laws are at the ready and will probably be here this week when my mom leaves. Between our two families being so close by I know that they will do everything they can to support us.  My brother has used his rewards points to secure us a hotel room for the next week free of charge- a huge financial and physical blessing.  We are going to be able to get into our new place earlier than we thought because the guy we are renting from is awesome- and he's even going to leave a bed for us since our furniture won't get here from California until the 9th.  We are blessed.

We have been blessed by all of our wonderful friends with prayer, phone calls, texts, flowers, balloons and more.

Our friend Dan called his dad Chris who is a pastor in Wisconsin and Chris promptly called a pastor here in Champaign who came to visit us in the hospital.  He even found a couple of people who would be willing to put us up when we are discharged since our new place isn't ready yet.  

We were blessed by a couple of other members of that church who stopped by to introduce themselves and prayed for us.

We were blessed with a visit from Dan's parents Chris and Becky who provided us with great encouragement and even went on a wild goose chase in search of a new phone charger for Justin's ancient phone.  While they were on the wild goose chase and sharing our situation with the employee at the Verizon store, a stranger offered to help, took them to Sam's Club and then even gave them cash to give to us because he wanted to help.  We are blessed.

We have been blessed by the hospital employees- we are in a great facility with some amazing medical professionals that are taking great care of me.  They haven't lost hope and that keeps us hopeful.  We are blessed.

We are blessed, but the need is great, so if you're reading this, and you're the praying kind, PRAY!  Pray that the Lord would work a miracle in my body and that the leak would reseal.  Pray that I would be protected from infection.  Pray for Justin as he has a new job to prepare for and meanwhile a whole bunch more responsibilities and worries.  Pray that God would provide us with friends.  Pray for our marriage- we are strong but any relationship can be strained under these conditions- pray that God would keep us strong and solid.

I'll try to update this blog, I know I've told so many people already that I would keep them updated, so maybe this is a good way.  

The other thing circulating in my head on that first night in the hospital is a chant I used to hear- I can't remember if it was at youth group or camp or what:

"God is good, all the time

All the time, God is good."

Dar's Chicken Salad

I was never big on chicken salad until I had it at my friend Dar's house.  She didn't give me the recipe at the time- she basically just told me what was in it and I've tried to re-create it multiple ways over the years.  I just like to call it "Dar's Chicken Salad" because she was a good friend who is up in heaven now.

My latest spin on this chicken salad is to use a rotisserie chicken instead of cooking it myself.  Not only is a rotisserie chicken TOTALLY delicious, but it also saves me some time. :)

You should make this, today.  Here's my (current) version with approximate measurements (I usually just eyeball it), but feel free to doctor it in your own special way- that's totally something Dar would have done.


Dar's Chicken Salad
Ingredients:
1 Rotisserie chicken
1 red apple
1 green apple
1 c green grapes
1 c red grapes
1/2 c craisins
1/4 c ranch dressing
1/2 c mayonnaise

First you have to skin and de-bone the chicken.  Prepare to get greasy!  Cut the apples into small pieces (I like to leave the skin on because it makes for a colorful salad!) and cut the grapes in half.  Combine all the ingredients in a bowl and toss with a wooden spoon.  Add ingredients as needed to your taste- I usually just eyeball all of it so the measurements above are just estimates.

Enjoy with sourdough bread or crackers!  It's addicting!

How old are you?

One of my 5th graders today noticed a zit on my cheek and says:
"What is that, a bug bite on your face?"

To which I replied: "No, it's a zit"

She gets this really confused look on her face and says "Wait, how old are you?" like she can't imagine an adult with a zit.

Oh honey- I hate to break it to you....

Nostalgia

Today I was giving a voice lesson and my little student wanted to sing "On My Own' from Les M.iserables.  She loves the song (really, who doesn't?) but she's WAY too young for me to assign it to her and I really want her working in her head voice anyway so it's not right for her right now.  My response to her was that I wasn't going to assign it for voice lessons but that she should ALWAYS feel free to sing anything that she loves to sing because if you love to sing it, it's good for the soul.

Why is it that I hardly ever take that advice?  I remember in high school I'd sing all day and night- all of my favorites that NEVER got assigned in voice lessons- M.iss S.aigon, G.rease, Les Mis.erables etc. etc. I hardly EVER sing like that anymore.  (Which my neighbors probably appreciate!)

Teaching private voice lately has made me want to sing that old stuff that I used to sing (my students are way into musical theater).  One of them was singing "Till There Was You" from "The M.usic Man" and I was transported back to high school.

It never ceases to amaze me how the older we get, the easier it is to romanticize the past.  High school really feels like such a distant and fuzzy memory to me lately and it's like I can barely remember the parts that I didn't like but the parts that I loved are amplified- this crazy nostalgia is so funny!  It must be one of the consolations of aging- nostalgia and selective memory!

Nieces and Nephews

I have six now. Three of each. They are all awesome and I had a really great time seeing all of them when we went home to visit. I have some funny videos too but my computer isn't cooperating at the moment, so I'll just try to upload the pics for now.

Abby and Kyle's oldest, and the oldest of the six, Ryan, turned 3 in July and we got to help him celebrate!
Their youngest, Gracie, celebrated spaghetti night in a BIG way:
My brother Aaron and his wife Megan's oldest, Wyatt, spent some quality time with Aunt Rachael and Uncle Justin:

And Henry, their baby, caught Uncle Justin in a more lively moment :)
We got to meet Neve Noelle, Graham and Marie's newest addition and the youngest of the six- she is an ANGEL baby!

And their oldest, Audrey, in the bouncehouse at Ryan's birthday party:

Three of the six getting in some quality snuggles with their favorite aunt (I'm allowed to say that since I'm the only one who isn't "mom" to any of them) :)

Love them all!

DON'T JUDGE ME HULU!!!

Listen, I know my readers (ahem...mom) want to see pictures from our Iowa trip. I'll get to it, I promise. The pictures are actually uploading as we speak. I just have to vent about Hulu going all judgey on me just now.

So I like to put something on the computer while I'm cooking- I made a delicious turkey meatloaf tonight and so I had a random episode of Grey's anatomy playing while I cooked- I was hardly watching it, but it's sometimes nice to just have the company of one of your favorite shows playing in the background.

Then, once the food is in the oven, I switched to "Bachelor Pad". I know I know- crappy television. But I got sucked into the last season of "The Bachelor" which then lead me to get sucked in to "The Bachelorette" which then lead me to "Bachelor Pad"- because characters carry over and I'm interested in seeing what happens to them.

Listen, if Hulu had in some way judged me for watching "Bachelor Pad" I probably would have chuckled and agreed with it. But that's not what happened.

So the first episode of "Bachelor Pad" was in THREE parts- I actually heard on the radio that when it aired on TV last night, with regular commercial breaks, it actually lasted longer than "Dances With Wolves". I knew what I was getting into, but Justin was out playing basketball and I knew he had a meeting with a friend later tonight, so I had the time to kill.

It was long and ridiculous (and seriously, Vienna is a witch!) and then it comes to a close and the credits are rolling and all of a sudden a message from hulu pops up that says:

"Need a break? You've been watching for more than 3 hours."

Um, seriously? DON'T JUDGE ME HULU!!! First of all, I wasn't watching for more than three hours, I was watching for about 2 hours and 2o minutes. Secondly- WHY ARE YOU JUDGING ME??"

Seriously.

June Gloom!

Happy First Week of Summer. It's 58 degrees and foggy. Yuck!

I'm not really mad about it, it's just funny. It's this time of year when I really ACHE for the hot midwestern summer. Soon enough I suppose...I haven't started a countdown yet but I think it's a little over a month before we head back to Iowa for a visit. I can't wait to spend some quality time with the family- it's been too long!

In the meantime, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by what's ahead. I have this week off (although plans every night this week- I think it's a sickness) and then next week I head to Forest Home with my youth group girls. My girls are going to be FRESHMEN women next fall so we go to HIGHSCHOOL camp- wow. It seems like just yesterday that they were quiet little 5th graders. I've always thought that it made a lot of sense how our church has leaders track with the kids from 5th-12th grade, but just recently I realized that another benefit to this tracking is that we as leaders get attached to our group of kids! I'm looking forward to having some fun at camp next week- but I'll miss my husband!!!!

I get back from camp on Friday and then Sunday we (Justin and I) are heading up to Yosemite for five days. Justin went up with his dad a couple of years ago but I haven't been. I'm really looking forward to some quality time with Justin, camping and proving that I'm tough! :)

When we come back from Yosemite it will be July- craziness- and only about two weeks before we leave for Iowa. This summer is going to fly by- I guess I'd better hold on tight!

Pictures from Mom's Bday Weekend

I'm finally getting around to posting pictures of my trip to Cedar Falls. I absolutely loved getting to see everyone especially my DARLING nephews!

Here's Wyatt with Grandma (my mom):


Wyatt in his Easter outfit:

Me and Henry:

Henry in HIS Easter outfit:

And a funny video. Not much happens in the video- before I shot it Wyatt was saying "Oh No!" really dramatically, so you can hear my mom and I saying it- trying to get him to say it- but he's a little punk so he wouldn't do it. :) He's super cute though, so I thought I'd share!



Love those Hawkeye jammies!

I am NOT a Hypochondriac

I just like to discuss my injuries and ailments. Mainly with my husband. Repeatedly. Until he gives me the amount of sympathy I desire. :)

Two recent cases:

1. A dark bruise on my arm. I like to point it out to him regularly and comment on how I have no idea what I did to inflict it. He humors me by saying something like "Wow, honey, that's really bad" in an EXTREMELY mock-serious tone. I suppose I continue to point it out because I'm not satisfied with this patronizing response.

2. Yesterday on a five mile walk with JoAnn my left eye started to itch really badly and I kept sneezing. When I got home my left eyelid was visibly swollen and puffy. Twice last night I made him look at it- both times insisting it was getting worse despite the Benadryl and both times he was reluctant to agree that it was worse.

This afternoon he came home right before I went for a run and I pointed out that now BOTH of my eyes are swollen and puffy (which they ARE) but he would not agree that the right one was- just that the left one was. I got back from my run and showed him again- I said "Look- you CAN'T deny that they're both puffy".

Here comes the mock-serious tone:

"Oh, wow! They are both SO puffy! And wait- what's this on your ARM? HOW did THIS happen? OH no!"

Hrumph.

My eyes really are swollen and puffy. Really.

I Am a Bad Blogger

But oh well.

It's funny because I read other people's blogs and get annoyed when they don't update for a week or so. There's one blog that I check regularly that hasn't been updated in almost a year... so when you look at it that way, I guess I'm not SO bad.

Time is flying by- probably largely due to the fact that I've been out of town the past two weekends (doesn't time seem to go by quicker when your usual routine is disrupted? I think so.) Last weekend my generous brother flew me out to Iowa for the weekend to surprise my mom for her birthday. It was pretty cool- she was VERY surprised and happy to have all of us together. It was a whirlwind weekend but I had a great time seeing my nephews Wyatt and Henry and since I'm too lazy right now to get the pictures I took off of the other computer, you can click on that link and see my little nephews on my sister-in-laws blog (she would be an example of a GOOD blogger). :)

After my last post I did get cleared for an HSG which turned out normal (meaning my tubes are not blocked) and we got the all-clear to start trying again. Back to square one- yippee. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my tubes are ok, it just seemed anti-climatic. So now we're in month two (obviously month one was not successful) of starting to try again. I'm just trying to chill out and keep busy with school (not hard to do this time of year!) and not obsess. It's waaaayyy too easy to obsess about this stuff, as anyone who has gone through these types of things can tell you.

We (Justin and I) just got back this afternoon from a weekend in Carmel Valley. I had to go up for a music conference so Justin came along and we had a great time. The conference was fun and I got lots of fun ideas that I'm excited to use in the classroom. We stayed in a cute hotel and our room was actually kind of like a cabin complete with a fireplace. The furnishings were a bit out-dated but it had a nice cabin-like feel and was plenty comfortable. I skipped out on the social events of the conference last night after the sessions were over and we went out for dinner at a little Irish pub in Carmel. We met this guy who was putting good music on the juke box and talked to him about music for awhile and just before he left he paid for our dinner! Awesome! We also played darts which was a lot of fun (especially since I won...which Justin was not happy about) Hahahaha! It was a great weekend and I felt blessed to have a husband who is also my best friend. Good times.

6 weeks left until summer vacation and lots to do so hopefully it will fly by. I'm looking forward to coming to Iowa sometime in July- can't wait to see the family.

WAY TOO SHORT....but sweet

Mom came to visit last Saturday and left Thursday. I was not ready for her to go back to Iowa! I LOVE MY MOM! We had a lovely time- a spa day that included a massage and a facial, wine tasting and even a Segway tour! She also came to school with me Tuesday-Thursday which was really nice. It's lonely sometimes being a music teacher in an elementary school- there are rarely other adults in your classroom so it's nice to have someone (especially another music teacher!) observe and comment. Friday morning, the day after she left, I got up and made my breakfast and accidentally cooked two eggs as I had the previous mornings when I was cooking for mom- it made me sad. I'm really lucky to have a mom that I love being with. During one of our conversations while she was here she asked me if I have any friends that I talk to every day - I was like "um, you!" My mom is my best friend.

And since I'm already on the verge of tears just writing this, I have to bring up the book she gave me which had me in tears just looking at the cover:
She claims that she found it "hopeful" but I told her that it's sad. Mom, I love you, and any book that ends with the main character thinking about her deceased mother is NOT a hopeful book for me! :) But I know what you meant.

Now I'm crying. Over and out.

It's Getting Better All the Time

I can't believe we are more than halfway through March already. Less than 3 months of school left and only a week left before spring break. Wow.

I've been feeling much closer to normal- physically and emotionally- these last couple of weeks. I'm still prone to fits of sadness and (although I hate to admit this) bitterness. It's hard losing a pregnancy, especially when you're 30-going-on-31 and it seems like EVERYONE around you is pregnant. It's hard. But I'm tough, or at least I try to be. And I don't like feeling sorry for myself, so it's been a rough couple of months but I'm feeling much more normal these days.

****TMI alert- if you are squeamish about girl stuff, don't read this paragraph :) ****
I was talking to my friend Katherine yesterday and said how it was weird but I was actually excited when I got my period this week. I've been a little nervous because I thought it would come about a week earlier and I've read online (bad idea) about people who didn't get a period for two months after their HCG levels normalized. Luckily that wasn't me, but I giggled with her about how it was weird to be "happy" about bleeding from your vagina. :) Crude, I know, but you have to admit it is weird and sort of funny- especially since it was NOT funny two months ago. :(

So now I have an ultrasound with the OB/GYN next week to decide if I am ready for the Hysterosalpingogram (aka HSG, this is the dye test where they check my tubes). I'm surprisingly not that nervous. Maybe it's because I'm feeling physically normal and am hopeful that she'll give me the green light to go ahead with the HSG which would mean "trying" again as soon as next month. We'll see. If I don't get the green light, I know I'll be bummed, but what can you do? Wait, hope, trust.....that's going to have to be my mantra.

In the meantime I'm navigating a social life filled with pregnant people, one of which happens to be one of my best friends here in SB- JoAnn. We actually got pregnant at the same time, about a week apart and were THRILLED to get to do this together.... now it's just weird. Of course I'm still thrilled for her- and I know I'm going to LOVE little Olive/Cosmo (those are their names, so cute) but it is a little tricky in the emotion department. As my sister-in-law so rightly put it: Every milestone she hits will be a milestone you aren't hitting and that will be hard.

No two ways about it- that sucks. But you know what? I love babies. I've always loved babies and kids (hello, I'm a teacher) and none of the babies/kids I've loved have ever been "mine". How much more will I love my best friend's baby? So much.

Wait, hope, trust.