37 Weeks

"I never believed I was going to have a baby until I heard her cry."

-What Alice Forgot  by Lianne Moriarty

I couldn't have said it better myself. 37 weeks in to a healthy pregnancy and it's still unbelievable. Even now as she kicks me while I type, I am still struggling to believe that I'm going to meet my daughter in less than three weeks.  My daughter. Mine.

Well, Justin's too.  :)

Pregnancy is so crazy in so many ways. And everyone's pregnancy is so different. The way we carry our babies, the side effects we feel, the levels of discomfort, the variety of complications and interventions.  Mentally the first half was a challenge for me because of my history of loss.  Well, if I'm being honest, the whole thing has been a challenge mentally because of my history of loss.  I think most women I know who've experienced miscarriage and infertility have to fight this mental battle- and probably most women who haven't experienced these things, can still struggle with this.  I can't say how many times I've thought to myself "ENJOY this! This was hard to come by and you may never get to experience this again. ENJOY it!!!"  And for the most part, I think I have enjoyed it as much as any pregnant lady could.

Now, just over 2 weeks from our induction date, I find myself worrying:

Did I enjoy it enough? 

Did I complain too much?

Am I grateful enough?

And I AM grateful.  I really am. There were times over the last 5 years that I wondered if I would ever get to be a mom.  And now, after 5 years of waiting, and trying, and struggling and losing, I am on the brink of motherhood and it is surreal.

And scary and exciting.

And really, very hard to believe.