I don't think I've mentioned this yet but I have a room with a view. A view of I-74 that is. Today I made Justin open the curtains as wide as they would go and then open the window so I could get some "fresh" air, at which point we discovered that the window will only open about 4 inches. 4 is better than zero! So I've found myself staring at cars as they fly by on the interstate periodically throughout the day.
At one point, there was a little silver sports car pulled over on the side of the road and I watched for a long while waiting to see what was wrong. What happened? Why did they pull over? Will someone get out? Will someone stop to help?
Eventually Justin noticed me staring out the window and asked what was up. I turned to tell him and when I turned back the car was gone. Dang him! I missed it! Where did the car go??!!!
Ah bed rest.
We had Thai food for dinner and I ordered online. I love Panang curry- thanks to my friend Katherine- and I always order it when I go out for Thai food. When I ordered online they wanted me to rate my "spicy level" and the options were: "Beginner", "Intermediate" and "Advanced". I've never had to specify before, but hell if I was going to mark myself a beginner, ya know?!
Turns out I am a beginner. Pride goes before the fall.
Blessings:
My inlaws were here! They kept me company while Justin went out to run some errands and have some meetings. My mother-in-law and I may have watched five episodes of "Brothers and Sisters" on Netflix. Hey, we're bed resting!
My mom- she's back in Iowa but she's texting me throughout the day as she shops for pillows for our new couch and other various things we need. I love my mom.
Calls and texts from friends.
My book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)" which is really funny.
Internet karaoke- I may have been singing Les Miserables and Wicked in my bed this evening. It makes me happy.
Next doctors appointment is with the specialist on Friday at 2:30. Praying for more fluid and for healing. We're hanging in there.
It's not even the fear of losing the baby that is haunting me the most. This is my third pregnancy. I've already lost two. I know what that feels like.
Right now the fear is just below the surface. I feel like it's on the other side of the door pushing to get in and I'm pushing back. With distractions, with admonitions, with prayer.
But I know what's on the other side of the door.
I'm afraid of going into labor- I'm afraid of what that will feel like and that I won't be able to control the pain and the sadness that will accompany it.
I'm afraid of getting an infection and having to terminate. I'm afraid that an infection could leave me sterile.
I'm afraid that I might not ever be a mom.
When I got pregnant the second time I remember praying with a couple of women at church. I told them I was pregnant and that I was afraid because I had been pregnant before and had lost that baby. I remember them praying for me and one of them praying that I would "rebuke the fear".
So I'm trying- I'm rebuking the fear.
Blessings:
Justin's department-head brought us Chipotle for lunch!
My friend Anne visited last night- it was great to see her and nice to think about something else!
My inlaws got here this afternoon. They brought us our car and lots of delicious food (including Anita's famous chicken and noodles- the ultimate comfort food)! They also brought the comfort of their presence.
My mother-in-law, who is no stranger to fear and hard stuff, encouraged me with the verse below:
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, strengthen you and help you;
Woke up in the hospital this morning and got a sonogram before I got breakfast. There's still fluid around the baby but not necessarily any more than there was before. Poor little thing looks pretty scrunched in there without fluid to fill up the sack :( On the plus side, heart beat is still strong. It's a fighter!
Talked to a different specialist who laid things out for us and it made for a rough morning. Basically the odds are against this baby. Chances are I will either get an infection and have to terminate or my body will go into labor (could happen anytime) and we'll lose baby. Then we went down the rabbit hole and started talking about the what-if's of IF I can carry to viability. The statistics for preemies are pretty scary. I won't go into details because I'm trying to put it out of my mind and focus on the day-to-day. It was a rough morning.
We got discharged and checked into the hotel which was a giant relief- our hospital room was small and cramped and our hotel room is awesome. I am so lucky to have such an amazing brother and sister-in-law who so generously gave up their points to put us up for the week. Thank you so much Aaron and Megan!
I was feeling pretty low and decided to take a shower to relax a bit. I sat in the shower (I have to sit, it's part of the bed rest conditions) thinking about the morning and suddenly I was admonishing myself:
Blessings today:
My husband- he is the best partner I can imagine.
This awesome hotel and my awesome brother and sister in-law. The hotel has been extremely helpful and accommodating.
My mom- apart from the obvious fact that she's the best, she went to the grocery store after we got to the hotel and stocked up the fridge.
My in-laws supporting and encouraging us and planning to come up tomorrow with our car.
My friend Anne from Michigan is going to pay us a visit tonight- I haven't seen her in 6 years and it will be great to see a friend.
My friend Bob Dane hooked us up with some contacts in the area that have already reached out to us today.
My friend Karen who I've known since birth but haven't seen in years messaged me on facebook and offered to donate HER Marriott rewards points if we needed them after this week. I am humbled by the generosity of friends.
All of our friends on facebook and otherwise that have expressed good wishes and prayers of support- we are uplifted by these prayers- I think we're surviving on prayer right now and we are running out of steam ourselves so it's comforting knowing others are praying too.
Watching Ellen :) She cracks me up. I needed to laugh.
Praying for healing and peace today. Simple as that. Because I Am Doing This.
Today is Day 4 of bed rest and I've been thinking about blogging since Day 1 when I woke up at 4:00 AM with Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" in my head- specifically the line "Is this the real life?". I woke up Justin (who was sleeping on the hardwood floor in my hospital room) to ask him who sings it. For some reason I was thinking Aerosmith which I knew was wrong but the guess made Justin laugh. He of course knew it was Queen. I explained that my familiarity with the song is 100% because of the 1992 hit movie Wayne's World which I've probably seen over a thousand times.
Justin then asked if I'd ever seen the video of the drunk guy singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the back of a police car. I hadn't. So of course, I had to see it right then, at 4:00 AM in my hospital room. I was not disappointed.
"Are you gonna cuff me? Phhh. Physical violence is the least of my priorities."
It was the laugh I needed at 4:00 in the morning.
Justin and I had had a successful cross country trip- it actually went really smoothly. We spent some good time in Iowa with our families and they are all really happy to have us back in the area.
We got to Champaign/Urbana on Tuesday July 23rd to look for a place. We did finally find a house that had been for sale but the buyer's financing fell through and the seller decided to rent- our good fortune!
Anyway, Tuesday night I started leaking fluid pretty substantially. Long story short it turns out I ruptured a membrane and essentially my water broke so there's not enough amniotic fluid around the baby. At first the prognosis was pretty dire- we were told that we would likely have to terminate the pregnancy. I've been in the hospital on bed rest since Thursday. Thursday night the specialist visited us and when he left Justin and I both said we felt like we'd had a visit from an angel. He told us about his experience with this type of case- particularly when this happened to his own sister- and he basically gave us a reason to hope. Friday they did another ultrasound and the good news is there is SOME fluid around the baby- enough for the critical lung development that needs to happen in the next month- but not enough to carry to term (at this point). Other good news is that baby looks good- strong heartbeat, good measurements, got all its organs etc. that means baby CAN produce more amniotic fluid- the trick is that I have to NOT leak it AND the biggest worry is that because baby is exposed by the leak it is vulnerable to infection which would mean game over.
At this point we are praying that the rupture would heal itself- it's not overly common but it is possible and would give baby the best shot. Even if it doesn't heal, it is possible that with bed rest I could keep enough fluid in for baby to survive. Barring any infection or more fluid loss I am looking at some significant bed rest- like up to 5 months.
I'm in the hospital until Monday (tomorrow) at least when they plan to do another ultrasound and see where we're at. If I don't have less fluid they will probably discharge me to go "home" and be on bed rest, but I'll have appointments twice a week to keep a close eye on baby and make sure that no infection happens. If I can carry the baby to viability (24 weeks) they would likely re-admit me to the hospital where I would likely stay until I deliver, which would likely be no later than 34 weeks.
Welcome to Illinois!
So, needless to say, there are lots of unknowns in our world right now.
But there are blessings too!
We are so blessed to be so close to home- my mom has been here since it happened and has been able to be here with me when Justin isn't. My in-laws are at the ready and will probably be here this week when my mom leaves. Between our two families being so close by I know that they will do everything they can to support us. My brother has used his rewards points to secure us a hotel room for the next week free of charge- a huge financial and physical blessing. We are going to be able to get into our new place earlier than we thought because the guy we are renting from is awesome- and he's even going to leave a bed for us since our furniture won't get here from California until the 9th. We are blessed.
We have been blessed by all of our wonderful friends with prayer, phone calls, texts, flowers, balloons and more.
Our friend Dan called his dad Chris who is a pastor in Wisconsin and Chris promptly called a pastor here in Champaign who came to visit us in the hospital. He even found a couple of people who would be willing to put us up when we are discharged since our new place isn't ready yet.
We were blessed by a couple of other members of that church who stopped by to introduce themselves and prayed for us.
We were blessed with a visit from Dan's parents Chris and Becky who provided us with great encouragement and even went on a wild goose chase in search of a new phone charger for Justin's ancient phone. While they were on the wild goose chase and sharing our situation with the employee at the Verizon store, a stranger offered to help, took them to Sam's Club and then even gave them cash to give to us because he wanted to help. We are blessed.
We have been blessed by the hospital employees- we are in a great facility with some amazing medical professionals that are taking great care of me. They haven't lost hope and that keeps us hopeful. We are blessed.
We are blessed, but the need is great, so if you're reading this, and you're the praying kind, PRAY! Pray that the Lord would work a miracle in my body and that the leak would reseal. Pray that I would be protected from infection. Pray for Justin as he has a new job to prepare for and meanwhile a whole bunch more responsibilities and worries. Pray that God would provide us with friends. Pray for our marriage- we are strong but any relationship can be strained under these conditions- pray that God would keep us strong and solid.
I'll try to update this blog, I know I've told so many people already that I would keep them updated, so maybe this is a good way.
The other thing circulating in my head on that first night in the hospital is a chant I used to hear- I can't remember if it was at youth group or camp or what:
