It's not even the fear of losing the baby that is haunting me the most. This is my third pregnancy. I've already lost two. I know what that feels like.
Right now the fear is just below the surface. I feel like it's on the other side of the door pushing to get in and I'm pushing back. With distractions, with admonitions, with prayer.
But I know what's on the other side of the door.
I'm afraid of going into labor- I'm afraid of what that will feel like and that I won't be able to control the pain and the sadness that will accompany it.
I'm afraid of getting an infection and having to terminate. I'm afraid that an infection could leave me sterile.
I'm afraid that I might not ever be a mom.
When I got pregnant the second time I remember praying with a couple of women at church. I told them I was pregnant and that I was afraid because I had been pregnant before and had lost that baby. I remember them praying for me and one of them praying that I would "rebuke the fear".
So I'm trying- I'm rebuking the fear.
Blessings:
Justin's department-head brought us Chipotle for lunch!
My friend Anne visited last night- it was great to see her and nice to think about something else!
My inlaws got here this afternoon. They brought us our car and lots of delicious food (including Anita's famous chicken and noodles- the ultimate comfort food)! They also brought the comfort of their presence.
My mother-in-law, who is no stranger to fear and hard stuff, encouraged me with the verse below:
"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
2 comments:
1Peter 1:6-9 has been carrying through this tuff year as well. Some one shared it with me at grief group. I love that you are writing about this. Read it!!
Be brave and keep fighting that fear. You are strong.
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